


Looks Like Morning in Your Eyes

by thehorrorinsymmetry



Series: Complimenting Parts [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Finn-centric, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Stargazing, Trans Poe Dameron, check the a/n for more info about it, cw for talk of a child dying, finn's a doctor and poe's a pilot, part 2 aka the fluff, there's discussions about poe having been pregnant, they have a baby!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-08 07:57:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11642280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehorrorinsymmetry/pseuds/thehorrorinsymmetry
Summary: A lot can change over the course of a few years. (or: two very different times finn and poe stargaze together)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> cw for talk of a child's death - finn is a resident in a pediatrics program and the fic centers around him dealing with a patient's death

Finn pulls his scrub top off and collapses onto the bench, curling into himself.

Fuck.

The top slips through his fingers and onto the very possibly dirty floor, the floor that could have traces of sweat or vomit or drug resistant bacteria on it. He pushes his face into his hands.

 _Fuck_.

The door swings open.

“Oh shit.” Mackenzie’s feet drag across the tiled floor as she comes into the break room. “I feel like I've never slept in my life. I'm going to pass out on the drive home and hit a tree and die. Huh, maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all. Oh my God, but what if I end up right back here?”

Her exhausted rambling slowly statics out, white noise in the fog filling his head. He sighs.

Poe's already on his way to pick him up.

Great.

“-nn?”

He forces himself to look at Mackenzie, his neck tensing as he tries to keep his head up.

“You okay, man? No offense but you look like shit.”

“Just tired.”

“Okay.” Mackenzie slams her locker shut and pats his shoulder when she passes by. “Get some rest.”

“Yeah, you too.”

The tears that had been building up finally escape before the door is completely shut. He wipes his palm over his cheeks and stands up, blinking until his eyes don't sting quite as much.

Poe's probably waiting for him.

 

\--

 

Poe smiles at him when he spots Finn through the windshield, waving with the same enthusiasm as always.

He waves back but doesn't quite manage the grin. It's fine.

Poe leans over and pushes the door open for him which is so ridiculous, almost enough to make him smile, a flicker of warmth trying to push past the heaviness in every cell.

It only takes a moment to be extinguished, but it's still nice.

“Sorry I'm late.”

“Don't worry about it, buddy.” He can feel Poe's gaze on him but he focuses on the dashboard, taking a drink of the cold coffee left in his mug. “Hey, is everything okay?”

“Yeah, just tired.”

“Are you sure you're up for going out? I can take you home if you want to go rest.”

He quickly shakes his head - the last thing he needs is to be alone right now.

Although, really, it's hardly fair to make Poe spend time with him when he's like this.

He just has to open his mouth and tell Poe he was right.

Just has to speak a few simple words.

Any second now.

“Hey, I have an idea.” Poe glances at him. “I want to show you something, okay?”

He nods after a moment. “Okay.”

 

\--

 

The drive is mostly silent.

Poe hums a little tune under his breath every so often, occasionally murmuring that they're almost there, wherever there is, but he doesn't fill the empty space the way he normally does.

Finn knows he's glancing at him from the corner of his eye but he doesn't push, doesn't ask Finn the questions that are probably on the tip of his tongue, so Finn leaves it too.

Poe takes them out of the city. They drive along the perimeter for a few minutes before Poe turns onto a dirt road that can't possibly lead them to anywhere.

He's right.

Poe pulls the car onto the edge of the road and shuts it off. “We’re here.”

He blinks. “This is it?”

Shit. He turns to Poe. “Sorry -”

“- it's okay, Finn.” Poe’s soft grin digs into him. “Trust me?”

He takes a deep breath and nods.

Poe offers him his hand when they get out of the car. “It's a couple minutes away but it’ll be worth it.”

He takes Poe's hand.

It's so warm.

Poe leads him straight into the field, over a hill, far enough that Poe's car fades into the darkness.

It's still just a field.

“Okay.” Poe comes to a stop. “Lie down.”

“What?”

“You heard me.” Poe kneels down and drops onto the grass, spreading out on his back.

Poe just lies there, his belly moving up and down with every slow, steady breath.

“Poe -”

Poe hums.

He sighs. Why would Poe tell him he wants to show him something and then take him to a literally empty field? His knee pops as he kneels down. He rolls onto his back and opens his mouth to ask Poe why they're - oh.

Oh.

There's an endless sea of stars filling the sky, dotting light poking through the darkness, shining so bright that Finn's breath catches in his throat.

It's gorgeous.

“This is where I come when I need to think.” He looks at Poe, his features softened in the low light. He catches Finn's gaze. “You don't have to tell me what's going on, but I wanted to show you this spot.”

Poe turns back to the sky and takes a deep breath. “It just put things into perspective for me. Like when I'm depressed, it reminds me how _big_ the universe is. That even just the Earth is so much bigger than I'll ever be able to explore, and then there's so much space beyond this that we can't even comprehend it. Sometimes it doesn't always help, but even then it's a nice sight, yeah?”

He stares at Poe. “You get depressed?”

“Sometimes, yeah. Anxious too.” Poe swallows so hard that Finn can see his Adam’s Apple bob. “It's a lot better now than it was when I was younger. I was on meds for a while but now it's more manageable. Most days are good.”

He nods.

They lapse into silence.

He stares at the stars, drawing patterns in they sky, and wonders if the answers are hidden there, in plain sight and yet completely out of reach with all of the celestial bodies. Something they'll always yearn for but never be able to touch.

Maybe that is it.

“I lost a patient today.”

Poe turns his head but Finn can't meet his gaze.

“It's not like it's the first time it ever happened, but she - we should have been able to fix her. She shouldn't have died.”

“Finn -”

“No.” He takes a deep breath. “She had the flu, Poe. The _flu_. She was admitted with vomiting and a fever, she should have been able to leave after a day or two. Today she should have been out playing with her friends and enjoying the summer but right now she's lying in a drawer in the hospital basement. Because of the flu.”

The stars become blurry, streaking light all over the sky as he tries in vain to blink the tears back. “We did everything right. We treated her the way we were supposed to and I spent so much time with her so we wouldn't risk dropping the ball with patient handover. Nothing we did worked. Not the antivirals or steroids or beta inhibitors. Her fever just went up and up and then she went septic and there was - not a damn thing we did helped.”

His voice breaks, the words, the acknowledgement, the feeling of being totally fucking powerless tearing through his throat. Poe takes his hand, holding tight, but he can't stop, can't rein this in now that he's let go.

“This is one of the top pediatric centres in the entire country. We have the best resources in the entire world, some of the best doctors, and we couldn't save a kid from the fucking flu.” He swallows around the lump in his throat. “I went into medicine to help, to make a difference, and we couldn't help a kid that had the most common illness in this country.”

“Finn…”

He turns onto his side and stares at Poe. “She was eight years old. Eight. She was going into the third grade in the fall and she wanted to be a vet when she grew up because dogs are - _were_ \- dogs were her favourite thing in the world.”

Poe lets go of his hand and wraps his arm around Finn’s shoulder. He moves into Poe’s touch, nowhere near having the energy to keep himself from being wrapped up in Poe. He rolls into Poe and presses his face against Poe’s shoulder, tries to get his breathing under control and focus on the way Poe rubs his back, firm and steady.

“I was in school for almost a decade. I busted my ass to get scholarships and still have debt and I’ve been living and breathing medicine for years. I’ve worked my entire life for this and half the time it’s just a waiting game, guessing and waiting to see if it works and then guessing again. I couldn’t even save a kid with the flu.”

Poe holds him tight, rubbing his hand up and down Finn’s back. Up and down. Up and down.

“I don’t know if I’m cut out for this, Poe.”

Poe takes a deep breath and keeps rubbing his back. “What you’ve been through is really, really awful.” Poe speaks slowly, each word deliberate. “I can’t - there’s nothing I can do that can take that away. But it wasn’t your fault. What happened wasn’t your fault. I know you, I know that you did everything you could, more than you even had to.

“You’re brilliant, and you care so much. You act with your entire heart. I know you already know this somewhere in that big head of yours, but I’m going to say it anyway - you can’t win every time. Medicine is really, really not infallible and that’s not your fault or a weight you deserve to have to carry by yourself. If you want to quit today I’ll support you. That’s not ever going to be in question, okay?”

His heart races, beats so hard that he can feel it pushing against his chest as he tries to let the words in. His muscles tense on their own accord, ignoring him when he tells himself that he’s okay, that Poe’s going to keep him safe.

“I wasn’t there but if there’s one thing I know,” Poe slides one hand up his back and cups his neck, running his thumb back and forth. “It’s that even though medicine failed her, she was so lucky to have you as her doctor.”

He gasps against Poe’s shirt, his fingers grabbing at Poe’s shirt, grip tightening until it hurts. Poe wraps his arms around his shoulders and nuzzles the top of his head. “You took the time to get to know her and I _know_ you didn’t give up until it was over. You cared for her until the end. You’re amazing, Finn. Nothing’s going to change that.”

He takes a deep breath.

Slowly, he pushes up enough to wipe his eyes, warmth rushing through his cheeks when he sees the wet spot on Poe’s shirt. Poe meets his gaze, concern peeking through the usual warmth, but he looks just as sure as always.

He always says what he believes.

Finn opens his mouth but of all the words that come to mind none of them are anywhere near good enough for what he needs to convey to Poe. Before he can think himself out of it he leans down and kisses Poe, pressing his mouth against Poe’s without even the pretense of skill.

It’s not a great kiss.

Poe’s mouth is lax because he’s not expecting it and Finn’s face is burning from crying and being pressed against Poe’s shoulder for so long. His lips are too dry and the tip of Poe’s nose digs against his cheek for half of it.

It feels right, though.

He pulls back after a moment and looks at Poe, the flush across his cheeks easing a bit of the pressure in Finn’s chest. “Thank you.”

Poe blinks at him, quickly nodding. He puts his head back on Poe’s shoulder, laying his arm over Poe’s waist, and feels a bit of the weight in his chest ease.

They stay there until the sun peeks over the horizon.


	2. Chapter 2

“Do you have the -”

Without looking Poe holds the diaper bag up.

He pauses. “I was going to say keys.”

Poe grins at him as he drops the bag near the doorway. “No you weren't.”

No, he wasn't.

He grins. “We’re ready to go?”

“We’re ready to go.” Poe grabs his arm as he walks by and tugs him close so he can kiss the corner of his mouth. “And we really should get rolling before she gets fussy again.”

He glances down at where Shara is snugly strapped into her carrier, blinking at him innocently as she tries to chew on her own foot as if she hadn’t just woken them up half an hour ago screaming because she had pooped herself.

He loves her so much.

He picks the carrier up and takes Shara outside, leaving Poe to lock the house up. “C’mon baby girl, we’ve got something to show you.”

 

\--

 

The roads are almost entirely empty, making it feel as if the three of them are in their own little world as he drives them out of the city.

They’ve been waiting to bring Shara here - wanted it to be a little warmer to be outside at this time of night with her, probably could have stood to wait a couple more weeks - but when they’d woken up too much to immediately fall back asleep and Poe had just looked at him and said _let’s go out_ , well. He’d never really been able to say no to that face.

He still knows the route like the back of his hand.

He checks his mirrors, his gaze drifting over the dashboard and landing on the clock. He takes a deep breath, sighing softly. “We’re not bad parents for taking her out this late, right?”

Poe takes his right hand off of the wheel and pulls it into his lap - a completely ridiculous thing to do no matter how many times his husband has done it - lacing their fingers together. “I think we’re _great_ parents. What other parents are able to roll with a sleep schedule like this?”

He hums.

“You're the pediatrician, honey.” Poe squeezes his hand, absently running his fingertips over the edges of Finn's nails. “Is she meeting all her milestones on time?”

“Yeah, but -”

“But you know all of the things that can go wrong because you’re brilliant and way too good at your job.” Poe sighs. “She’s good. We’re all doing well. I know it’s easier said than done, but we can’t let what ifs control us, yeah?”

“Yeah,” He nods slowly, squeezing Poe’s fingers. “You're right.”

Poe kisses his knuckles, grinning against his hand. “I always am.”

He rolls his eyes and looks at Shara in the rearview mirror. “Don't listen to papa, Shara.”

“Hey, don't tell my baby that.”

“Your baby? I distinctly remember both of us being involved.” He glances at Poe with a small smirk. “I'm a doctor, I know how it works.”

Poe shakes his head but he laughs so Finn counts it as a win. “You got orgasms. I got to carry her for nine months.”

Finn licks his lips. “Not to be crude in front of our infant daughter, but I'm pretty sure I remember you getting your fair share of orgasms too, sweetheart.”

“Of course I did, you’re a wonderful lover, honey,” Poe laughs when he shakes his head. “But I also got the swollen ankles and morning sickness and thirty-three hours of labour.”

“She was worth it though, yeah?”

“Course. She was worth every second of it. All I'm saying is you can have the next one.”

He thumbs at the soft skin on the back of Poe’s hand. “I would if I could, Poe.”

Poe pauses. “Wait, really? Even after being with me the whole time?”

“Yeah, of course.” He shrugs. “I mean the process itself isn't necessarily something I'd want to go through, but this is our family. If I could take some of that burden off of you, split it fifty fifty, of course I would.”

Poe stays quiet for a moment, still playing with his hand. “I know I’ve said this like a million times already, but I'm really glad we’re in this together.”

He tugs Poe's hands up and kisses his finger, the warm metal of Poe's wedding band brushing his cheek. “Me too.”

 

\--

 

Neither of them are in a rush as they make the walk towards their spot.

They won't be able to stay long, not with Shara, but he's so excited to finally be able to share this with her.

Even if she isn't going to technically remember it.

Poe puts Shara’s carrier down in the same spot they've been coming to for nearly three years now. They sit down in front of her, Poe's thigh pressed against his. “This, my beautiful girl, is a very special place. This is where your daddy first kissed me.”

“Really?” That's the first thing that you want to tell her about this place? Out of everything?”

Poe blinks. “Yeah?”

“Wasn't it -” He sighs. “It hardly makes for the best first kiss story.”

“Are you kidding?” Poe turns to face him completely, his knees pushing against Finn awkwardly. “Maybe it wasn't anything like how I imagined it would go, but it was - I'm never going to forget the way you looked at me, just before you kissed me.”

Something flutters in his chest the same way it had when they had slowly gotten to know each other, when they had finally begun dating. It’s older now, no longer a constant affliction when they’re in the same room, but still growing stronger with every day they’re together.

Wait.

“What do you mean like you imagined?”

A little knot forms between Poe's eyebrows. “What?”

“You imagined kissing me before we got together?”

“Finn, baby, light of my life, we’re _married_.” Poe shakes his head, holding up his left hand to show off his ring, gleaming in the soft moonlight. “I had your child. I think it's a fairly well established fact by now that I'm pretty into you.”

He grins. “Yeah but we've never talked about this before. How did you imagine kissing me? Did you think about it a lot?”

Poe flushes and Finn is far too tired to pretend he's not utterly thrilled right now. “Oh my God baby, you really had a big ol’ crush on me, huh?”

“Fucking hell, Finn.” Poe rubs his hands over his face. “Yes, okay. I had it bad. Of course I did. You were gorgeous and you shared your oreos with me and you were funny, and so kind, and when you told me you were a doctor? Good Christ, I thought I was going to die on the spot.”

He pushes his legs under him and climbs into Poe's lap, cupping his jaw. “Want to know a secret?”

Poe meets his gaze with a soft grin. “Sure.”

“I totally had a crush on you too.”

Poe laughs. “Yeah?”

“Mhm,” He murmurs, brushing his nose against Poe's. “I don't share my oreos with just anyone.”

Poe glances down at Finn's mouth, pressing his face into Finn’s hands as he leans forward.

“Uh uh,” He holds Poe back, absolutely revelling in the surprise in Poe's eyes. “You never answered my question.”

Poe blinks. “Huh?”

“How'd you think about kissing me, before we were together?”

Poe bites his lip, worrying it for a moment. “Sometimes I thought about bringing you here, but that wasn't my intention when it actually did happen.”

He nods. “That’d have been romantic.”

“Mm,” Poe's gaze locks onto his again. “Do you remember that time I got stuck in New Zealand for almost two weeks?”

He nods.

“Sometimes it felt like the only time I was really calm there was when I was talking to you. Whether we were watching a movie or you were falling asleep on the phone, it kept me sane, you know? It felt like I had someone to come back to, even if it wasn't quite in the way I wanted.” Poe slides his hands over Finn's hips, encircling his waist. “All I wanted was to touch down and get home and see Bee, sleep in my own bed and hopefully see your face within a couple days. When I finally landed and saw you standing there with Bee and your sign in the arrivals gate I thought I was hallucinating.”

He smiles as he drifts back to that day - he had never seen Poe look so bone-weary exhausted. It was absolutely worth switching his shift to see the way Poe had lit up when he saw them, the minutes-long hug that had went on and on until it Poe had nearly collapsed on him.

“All I wanted, all I could think about was kissing you there in the airport.” Poe nuzzles his cheek. “I probably would've gotten fired for offending someone and it would have been totally worth it.”

He kisses Poe's forehead. “You could've, y’know.”

“Well, yeah, I got that now.”

He laughs. “Were there any other times?”

Poe nods. “Only every time I saw you.”

He blinks.

“I thought about kissing you in the diner, just leaning over the table and kissing that smile off of your face. Thought about betting a kiss when we played cards.”

He snorts. “Wouldn't have worked, you never won.”

“It's cards! It's like 90% luck anyway.”

“Yeah,” He smirks. “Keep telling yourself that, buddy.”

Poe ignores him, leaning in until his forehead grazes Finn's jaw. “Every time you got close to me, I thought about just leaning in,” Poe murmurs, just barely kissing his neck. “Seeing what it felt like to be pressed against you, how soft those lips really were.”

He shivers. “When you told that joke the first time we went to the diner, that really bad one, and smiled at me like it was the funniest thing you’d ever heard. That was the first time I wanted to kiss you.”

“Should've done it.”

He hums. “I think things turned out pretty well though, hey?”

“Mm,” Poe kisses him softly, just a brush of lips. “I'd say so.”

He kisses Poe, wrapping his arms around Poe’s neck as he pulls Poe’s lip between his. He puts all of his heart into it, the love he has for the father of his child, the love of his life, the man that had smiled at him when he offered to share the cookies they had both reached for, his heart never quite recovering from the way it had found itself in his throat that night.

Shara grunts beside them, fussing with her straps. He slides out of Poe's lap with one last kiss and turns to their beautiful, perfect child. “Hey, hang on Shara.”

Poe leans back on his hands, watching as he picks Shara up and slowly rocks her. “God, I love watching you two.”

He grins at Poe and pulls the baby blanket out of the diaper bag so he can lay Shara down. “She is quite a looker, huh?”

“Yeah,” Poe lays down on his side, close to Shara, smiling at her when she grips the tip of his finger. “She takes after her dad.”

He lays down so Shara is sandwiched between them and lays his hand on her belly. “We’re already married, you don't have to flatter me.”

Poe grins at him, eyes twinkling in the low light. “What are you talking about? I was talking about me.”

He laughs.

Shara smiles at them, giggling brightly. Poe kisses the top of her head, brushing his hand over her tight curls. “Look at her, she's already got my sense of humour!”

“God, I hope not.” He grins.

Poe puts his hand on top of Finn's. Shara stares up at the sky, entranced by the stars, the light even more beautiful reflected in her gorgeous dark eyes.

Poe looks between her and the sky a couple times. “Think she'll be an astronaut?”

Poe says the words so casually that Finn bursts out laughing. Shara laughs with him, reaching out and grabbing at his chin. “I think maybe we should wait until she's at least walking before we start reading into things.”

Poe hums. He hooks his ankle over Finn's calf, smiling when he catches Finn's gaze. “I love you.”

He says the words back, natural as breathing, as inherent as eating or sleeping, just as vital to his well-being. He curls into his daughter and rests his hand on his husbands waist and shuts his eyes.

He's exactly where he should be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was written the day after the first part as another attempt to cheer myself up and also me trying to fit as much as i can about this au as i can into one little ficlet lmao i wish i had more time 
> 
> hope u enjoyed thanks for reading!
> 
> kudos + comments are appreciated thank u

**Author's Note:**

> this is an au i came up with w my friend where they both have weird sleep schedules bc of work and i'm deeply in love with it. i'm probably never going to have time to write the whole thing but i'm hoping to write more in this universe (although really how many times have i said that lmao)
> 
> part two is already written and going to go up in a few days!!
> 
> thank u for comments and kudos i really appreciate them!! hope you enjoyed :)


End file.
